Grace

She left in her wake

Ripples of gold

Torrents of love

Written in her headstone stone–

She wanted to be

remembered for

courage

Like Grania O’Mally

Like Jean d’Arc

Like Sita the wife of Ram

She loved deeply

She lived life well

She inspired all of those

unsuspecting souls who

had the grace to witness her smile

And if you ever unleashed her anger

you’d know it was just love in disguise

They were enamored with the Goddess

She always did as she pleased

She always had it her way

And had the very last word

Perhaps the joke was on her

Perhaps she lived

life too forcefully

A modern-day pirate

She left us picking up the pieces

of our dismantled souls

She left instructions and no way to read them

On a very rare

rainy day

she’d leave you covered in kisses–

Bandages for the broken

and

she’d put you back together again 

I dance for love

For it is with these words that I

tell you how I love thee

It is with these hands that I show

you how much I care

It is with this body that I

dance for you

My soul pouring out

oozing

like golden honey

Sticky with sweet delight

I rejoice

Gopala as my guide I

churn the cream of this life

into butter of forever love and

adoration

I kneel at the feet of the

Divine

No

I do not pray on top of a mountain

I do not pray

underneath a tree

I do not seal myself up in a

cave

It is here

on the dance floor

where I worship

My heartbeat is the rhythm of my mantra

My footsteps pound out the foundation of my thoughts

My breath becomes the invocation

the very words which my heart

are offering as an expression of thanks

addressed to God 

Oh world, give me a sign

Oh world, take me by the hand

And lead your daughter to her next adventure

Oh world, take my heart into your precious hands

And don’t tell me I’m not good enough

Because I won’t believe it

Not even for an instant

Oh world, cradle this body in your humble embrace

So that I may better know the meaning of a single touch

Oh world, unfold before me the greatness that you have in store

For it is in your secrets

That truth can be told

Oh world, please do not hide your love

It is not fair

Your illusive nature

It is only sane that you should

Call me into being

And ring my name from the

Highest mountaintop

Oh world, don’t go stomping on my dreams

Because it is through your words that I have learned

The importance of connection

Oh world, how could you let him leave?

How could you let him go and not leave a single sign to where, or if

Or what

Or who

            Or why

                        Or how am I supposed to finish this task of being human

This task

I asked, but none was given

Oh world, how come you are so cold

On days when I need you to be the warmest

Oh world, do you know the power you have

Over

This poor soul

Oh world, stop your tricks, and give me something

TANGIBLE

Oh world, I beg of you

One simple favor

An answer in response to my desperate cries for guidance

A sign when I’m straining my eyes

At least a clue that might direct me to

Your benevolence

Not off the edge of that cliff that is looming

Ever nearer

Oh world, how can I repay you for all that I have received

Oh world, don’t go holding out on me,

Not now, not right now

And don’t you go takin’ me for granted either 

I've been rocked and Rolled over

When I find that my life has been

shaken

turned on it’s head

de-railed and

ultimately warped

into an episode of The Twilight Zone

There is no going backward I’m only looking

to keep

moving forward

I don’t want to jump ship because I

know I’ll drown In this stormy

weather I will do my part to rig the

sail and man the deck I’m not about

to burry my head in the sand And

escaping reality

is a waste of time

I want to live it–

This life fully

After all

this is my existence

my body

my temple

and I want to make the most of it Even though

my reality has been rocked

I will roll with

the punches

and dance to

this new tune that is

blasting

through

the loud speakers “Bring it on!” I yell from the highest mountain

top that might

tomorrow

turn over and become the sun 

U R LOVED

Put your feet up girl, no

need to stress

If only you knew, knew how much

you were loved

If only I could tell you how

much you meant to me

Your feet and legs are strong,

your heart is warm,

your body bound to do great things

How do you know all this, you

may ask and my answer would be, I

know because there is no other

way. There is no other way to be,

than just yourself. 

Turning 23

My birthday is in eight days

Therefore I’m thinking about age–

Whatever that means

One year closer to

death

One year closer to

wisdom

Ancestry

Heritage

Remembrance

Honoring the past

Looking at the future

Moving forward

Nostalgia is for the weak of heart

I was born at the beginning of time

Long hair flying, feet encircled with bells

Fire burned, and I awoke

Into a life, celebrated

Good magic happened that day on the mountain

It rained–to purify

The rivers overflowed and I drank

From the crown of Vishnu

I look into the mirror

I look death in the face and laugh

I don’t know who I’m becoming

Who are you

I ask

Who are you

My world has been derailed

My existence is being warped

I look into the mirror and my

mother stares back into my eyes

I like what I see

I laugh when people ask me what I want to be

when I grow up–

I’m not ever growing up

I was born of this earth

I have her skin–

Salty as the ocean

I have her mouth–

Hungry for truth

I have her eyes–­

Seeing the beauty within each of you

I have her temper­–

Like a hurricane I dance upon the heads of the damned

Singing the songs of the wind

I bathe in sunshine

Who’s that knocking at my door

It’s stagnant as a question

It’s sharp as a knife

Doubt

What do you do when someone else

is living the life you’ve always dreamed about

What do I do when they’re living my life

How come I can’t just be happy

How come I have to judge and compare

myself to everything and everyone

I’m not as tough as I say I am

I cry too often

I miss him

I want to know God

I want to know myself

Birth is to come into the light

To breath of this air–

Lungs turning blue in the hands of my father

Cradled in safety

Encircled with warmth

Birth is to detach–

Eventually standing alone

Dancing this flavor of existence

With age

I am capable 

Wait Here for the Present

What is my highest intention for my life?

Distinguishing between 

serving my needs and DOing out of 

obligation.

I’m going to change the world.

I’m going to inspire people.

I am a selfish asshole.

I am a controlling bitch and I 

always want to be right.

Why can’t I just relinquish my 

death-grip on life, and let 

other people exist in 

my world?!

I have such a hard time saying yes, 

yes to life, yes to 

love, yes to 

change.

I’m a brat who thinks she 

deserves so much more than I 

already have.

I’m an under-appreciater.

I’m an optimist at heart, but 

when things take a turn far south–I 

become a groupie and a 

slump and

I jump on that bandwagon rolling 

down-hill faster than a Cajun 

fiddle player. 

“Two Squares of Toilet Paper, Four Squares of Chocolate”

Pay attention to detail

It is here that I can discover the foundation for a work of art 

The intricacy of regarding every aspect, fully

There is no complete, finish, finally, so don’t try and fix it

“Fixing” it won’t really change anything

Choosing to be in the fire

Desire to actively participate in dynamic and useful means for purification

BE PREPARED TO BURN, DUMMY

To burn is to suffer exquisitely

Only transformation is waiting

In order to experience the truth, one must be present

Awake, alive, physically “there”

Transmission lies in the physical domain

Energy–matter, radiation that is manifested as a capacity to perform work

Energy exists in substance, in form, in the body

I exist in order to receive

Receive the knowledge of the Siprit

He is the lion, roaring only to let us know he is king

Standing in my strength, standing in what I know to be true

In the face of terror–remember–

The lion is not hungry, we mustn’t be afraid

Just breathe GOD DAMN IT! 

IT

All it is, is a wish to inspire

All I’ve got, is an itch for it to become my life

The notion of loving, is it defined

Create the space for it to show up in

If you were it, what would you be

How come it is so difficult, and yet, when you stop trying it falls in your lap

Try, how come we try to find it

And define it, and refine it

Why does it exist

(For now, don’t ask why)

It is time for rebirth

The glass is filled to the brim, it is spilling over

It is not a dream

It has a hold on me

I have to remember not be afraid of it

Cultivate it

Manifest it

Groove, baby, groove, because it is all you got

“First time here, how does it work?” 

Get Something

I got Buddha on my speed dial,

Doin’ all he can

I got Jesus on my friend list,

Looking mighty fine

I got Mohammed making waffles,

In my kitchen drinkin’ wine

I got Gandhi turning tables,

Til’ the end of time

 

What do you got? 

Being Honest

I can’t decide weather it’s better to write crap

or not write at all. I’ve come to the conclusion that

as long as I’m writing I can’t be blamed for

not creating, and since there’s a chance that even

when I DO write, I might still be blamed for writing

crap, so here you have it, take it or leave it. This is

an honest attempt in relinquishing judgment of myself.

I’ll admit, I have a tendency to conclude before knowing

and therefore simultaneously deciding upon something

before I have sufficient knowledge upon which to evaluate.

Whether I like to admit it or not, my quality of being,

relies heavily on the attitudes and emotions of others

who I am close to. I take what you say to heart. I trust you.

Please be careful with MY heart, and I will be careful with

yours. 

For the sake of LOVE

This is a shout out to everyone who reads my blog!
For some reason, I JUST NOW have discovered that people actually DO read my words...
Huh, interesting...
I have read over all your comments, and hope to The Divine that I haven't lost my readers
Since I have been M.I.A. for quite a while...
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for sending me love
I WILL keep writing

It's been a while...

...But that doesn't been I haven't been writing. Taking a hiatus from my cell phone and only on the web on a "need-to-surf-basis" such as looking for a wedding dress for my best friend, or paroozing YouTube for vidoes on how chickens lay eggs. Yes, image, having chickens and not even know how they lay their eggs! (Mom, if you're reading this, please be gentle on the editing, I'm using a French keyboard, so everything I write comes out underlined in red!)

For lack of attention span, and anctious to go for a swim, I'll be brief: Life is one big fucking cliché and if you want to put things in perspective, go visit someone you haven't seen in a while, fit yourself into THIER life, and don't forget where you came from. There, I said it, time for self observation is a luxury, and if you think you've found God, look agian, because my guess is he's not in that book you're reading, or in that asana you're holding. He's in the lighting that strikes the corn fielf, he's reflected in the soft brown eyes of a baby foal, and The Divine is certainly in the space between words when you tell someone you love them, and mean it.

Venturing into the Unknown

I’ve become Detached,

Now I want to find Devotion

Detachment: objectivity, open-mindedness, neutrality, impartiality; indifference, loosening, disconnection, disengagement, separation; removal.

Removal of emotion from my heart

Separation of material things

Indifference towards death

Open-mindedness when it comes to dealing with others

Loosening my hold on the meaning of life

I have become Detached.

Life: the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death

To change; not by replacing one thing for another, but merely varying the ways of expressing, arranging, doing or being something; entirely transforming.

Transformation: a metamorphosis during the life cycle of an animal.

Cycle: the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth round,

rotation; pattern, rhythm.

Rhythm is the sounds that come from our hearts. The beat to which we dance, the beat to which we let our limbs become akimbo

Akimbo: (of limbs) flung out widely or haphazardly.

When I speak of devotion, I want my arms and legs to be flying wildly.

I want to scream and shout my fidelity from the rooftops.

I want to pledge my allegiance with the fire of knowing love.

Devotion: loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, constancy, commitment, adherence, allegiance, dedication; fondness, love, admiration, affection, care.

When I speak of devotion, this is what I mean –

To take care of my heart

Affection for the small things

Adherence towards being courageous

Dedication to the ones I love

Consistency in loving unconditionally

Faithfulness when repeating the names of God

Analyze that! I dare you.

I don’t ever want to know it all.

Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Krishna, Confucius, did he know it all?

I’m not comparing myself with God.

That would be too grandiose.

I am god

god is all around me, god is 

consciousness,

not a thing, not a thing to be trifled with

I don’t ever want to know it all.

For then I would be done, done, cooked, finé.

When do we begin to come into our own?

I can see it in his face, no longer a boy, not yet a man.

It’s in the eyes.

When we’ve lost our innocence, but gained something greater.

Wisdom perhaps?

You won’t know until you try.

I need to fall down sometimes, and no! I don’t want your help up… thanks.

The jaw line is a little stronger,

more defined.

The mouth smiles,

but it is set.

The placement of the neck on the shoulders,

is established –

Just don’t get too stuck in your ways, boy.

Remember to lift your head child,

every once in a while, read the signs

remember what they say – pay attention to the details.

I wish I had as much faith as my mother

Who are THEY anyway? Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or

something; trust, belief, conviction; optimism, hope, hopefulness.

It is not true that we start to die the moment we are born.

I do not believe this.

I believe we begin to die the moment we stop trusting in our ability.

If not me, than who?

STOP JUDGING!

When I can get off it, so can you.

I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.

I didn’t mean to say that, it just slipped out… or did it…?

That’s what makes us human after all –

These darn things, our minds, I don’t mind, mind your mind daughter.

Who knew it would be this hard?

Easy. Who you callin’ easy, chicken?

Chicken? Who you callin’ chicken, dinner?

Dinner?

This is how my mind works – we all

strive to make connections,

sometimes connecting the most

unreasonable things into a necklace that

resembles a ball and chain more then a string of pearls

don’t put yourself in a box, sister

Reaching for identity

I call myself a name, What's in a name?

That which we call a rose


By any other name would smell as sweet

Juliet

speaks to Romeo

The means by which we share

our hearts

Speak of me as I am.

Nothing extenuate,

nor set down aught in malice.

The means by which we relate as humans

Being to being

I trust you.

A Dance, This Dance

Getting to dance with J today.

A sweet dance of contact improvisation

Our bodies matched and complimented

one another

Melding, fitting together, playing with

sharing weight, counter balance,

giving and taking

Experimenting with letting our minds

go

In our 50/50 dance, no one lead,

neither fallowed

A mutual conversation of grace

that was stumbling and

awkward at times, but

all part of the dance.

Tumbling together

Experiencing together

The curves of our bodies

met in space

Leaving our minds behind,

our bodies were free to communicate

Learning the contours of a new dance

Listing with our limbs

Free to share in this dance across

            the floor

With a destination in mind, [the other side of the room], we would

reach it without trying to reach it

Without hesitation I let myself

be carried by the dance

Steps We Take

We walk through life, some choose to

dance, some choose to run, some

choose to merely crawl across the stage that

is this thing we call “life.”

It’s just a word that we give meaning, it’s just a

feeling that we give

significance, it’s just a

state of mind that we choose to indulge.

It’s not

right or

wrong, those too

are simply words.

This path that we walk is not

set in stone, after all, words carved in

stone, are simply words carved in

stone, nothing more nothing less.

I’m not one to tell you how to live your

life, I’m just an observer – a set

of eyes with an

ego and a conscience.

Tonight the moon looks like a neon banana that

someone threw in the sky and

it stuck there, shining

above our heads

Tangible energy surrounds

me in the light and dark of my bones.

I am tired, oh so tired. Wrung out

from trying to give so much

Spread thin like honey

on warm toast.

Not enough jam to reach the edges –

Cut in half, diagonally

I have so many people that love me, remember, please

remember that you are loved by

so many.

The spaces in between

These spaces in between

Empty, filled with nothing. In nothing, there is

space for everything

Sounds familiar?

Well then, just remember

Nothing is missing, but something

has changed

Maybe words are not the best tool to try and discern

my state of being ­– I, I, I want to understand you

I know we cannot be together any longer, but, but, but…

I need a way out! My heart

needs a few answers

Understanding, I grasp at a rocky finger hold – I’m falling from grace.

It’s just a word, it’s just a word, it’s just a WORD!

This is real.

It’s the sound that the

stars make in the sky. It’s the voice of the

coyote

carried by the wingspan of a falcon

As the cycles of the moon came and went…

became something different.

The Big Dipper was six instead of seven – a shift

was necessary

Denial is a masquerade ball, sequins, glitter and all

I take off my mask, nothing to hide,

nothing to obstruct my vision.

This is not my battle, I do not wish to sleigh, I do not

wish to die for love.

You helped me grow, and for that

I am

thankful.

My box-car was momentarily

derailed, now, back on track and who said I even

need a fucking track to ride?

I’ll take this next step barefoot, thank you.

8:42AM

“Short cut I said,” as I headed off the sidewalk towards the chain link fence.

“Through the graveyard?” Chloe looked at me quizzically with a half smile on her face.

“It reminds me of my mortality. Slightly morbid, eh?”

We laughed and jogged past the marble squares in the ground. Around the children’s cemetery with animals carved into the headstones. We slowed and walked past the porcelain angles clustered around the vases of plastic flowers.

I walk through the graveyard because it reminds me – 

Day 20 Wednesday February 3

Day 3 of solo

Glitter on the eyes

Weaving Agave strands into my hair

Becoming part of Nature

A charcoal swirl around my ankle

Adorned in Her jewelry

Threads of Yucca around my wrist

Tiny twigs and leaves placed delicately

Tidbits of Nature hug my body

And I am reminded of the beauty of it all

I shall braid myself a wreath of flowers

To crown myself one of Nature’s dwellers

Linking chain after chain, it become a circle

No hard edges

No beginning and no end

Merely unified by being, round and round and round

There’s something about coming home after a long journey – comforting, refreshing, nurturing.

I can’t wait to be back in the land of familiarity – the trick will be to maintain this feeling of serenity while going through the motions of every-day life.

Destruction and Rebirth.

How easy it is to pack up and leave

And how slowly we become adjusted

To our new surroundings.

It takes patience and understanding

To get to know new things

But how readily we can pick up and go

Destruction and Rebirth.

I am born again after a time of solitude.

Thank you Mother Nature, for all that you have given me

Thank you Mother Nature, for all that we have shared.

I hope I have been a good student

To your teachings

I will carry your heart here, in mine.

Thank you Mother Nature, for all that you have given me

Thank you Mother Nature, for all that we have shared

I am carrying your heart with me, I am leaving a piece of mine here. 

Day 19 Tuesday February 2, 2010

Day 2 of Solo

Waking early – the moon still bright – the blue dawn barely creeping over the ridge – I can see the pink glow of lights from the city – I am still alone – how glorious – chilly this morning – I can hear voices – rocks knocking together – was the my water kearn I wonder…?

I can feel the day begin

I can see the sun rise – I can feel the rays on my face

I can hear the birds start to sing – I can feel their song in the air

I can smell the morning dew – I can feel the wet on my finger tips

I can taste the desert waking up

I can feel the day begin

Later…

I wept, kneeling on Her ground, asking for forgiveness.

I am sorry, I whispered into the sand – For hurting you.

For cutting your branches and pulling at your weeds.

I am sorry for the landfills and the poison gases.

I am sorry for the drainage and depletion of your waters and your oil and your precious gems and metals.

I am sorry for ripping at your heart and killing your animals.

I am sorry for the ones who came before and the ones who will inevitably come after.

I am sorry for being so blind and nieve and for shutting my eyes when I should have been on the battlefield.

I am sorry for the harshness and the pain.

I am sorry for not being always strong enough to fight for your life.

I am sorry for wasting.

I am sorry for littering.

I am sorry for being unconscious.

I am prepared to take a stand, and make a difference.

With my realization of your every-day miracles, I call upon my innate power to guide me through this labyrinth of life.

Trying not to tred where trodding is not welcome

Cultivating. Contributing. Realizing.

Sustaining. Life. Relationships between

Soul, sky, body, earth, mind, animal, plant

Spirits collect, colliding gracefully for we

all are existing, and it can be harmonious.

For we are beating as one.

As my heartbeat rocks my body, so does the beating of the eagle’s wings,

and the spreading of the grass’s roots and the knocking of the river rocks –

sounding out the symphony of nature.

I am blessed to have ears to hear it.

I am blessed to have yes to see it.

I am blessed to have a body to touch it.

I am blessed to have a mind to take it all in, and let it all go. 

Day 18 Monday February 1, 2010

First Day of Solo

Choose your endeavors wisely.

Even if you do not reach the outcome you had wished for – it’s not measured in end, but in the journey along the way.

THAT is who you have become.

Sounds surround me.

The earth is not a silent place.

There are colonies of ants, teaming with activity, we are just too busy to listen.

Families of birds nest in the trees, we are just too blind to see.

I lift a rock and a myriad of legs scurry away.

There is more than what meets the eyes.

I languish in the freedom my heart feels.

Time fore me, time to put my attention on the inside world.

Time to tune in and send the waves of live to those I care about.

As the birds sing their song, I sing mine.

Silently, in my head, I let the radio heart waves broadcast themselves to the far corners of the earth.

I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Day 17 January 31, 2010 Crystal Springs

Finally! The day before solo.

I have never been more excited to spend three days totally alone!

I have come the conclusion that I am allergic to some people.

Let’s just agree to disagree.

Shall we…?

Now, sitting by the stream

I am languishing my toes

in the cool water

Earlier, I hugged a cottonwood

tree, and I swear it hugged

me back

Standing on its exposed

roots in the shallow stream

its bark was almost velvety

as I laid my cheek against

its grey face

closing my eyes I breathed deep,

            arms tight around its trunk.

Smelling the pungent odor of

            wood, wet wood

Giggling I looked up to its bare

branches and murmured,

“I guess I really am a Tree Hugger.” 

Day 16 Saturday January 30 Whisky Springs Camp

Glitter Divas decked out with Jojoba leaves in our hair and battle scares of brush scratches on our arms, we greeted our sister group with open hearts and smiling faces.

Walking through the sentinels of

Century Plants 

I run my hand along their smooth stems and they appear like rainbows.

Goodnight to this day – embrace the dawn. 

Day 15 Friday January 29 Full Moon

Camped at White Water Spring. Walked through a forest of Cholla and crossed streams paved with river rocks. Now, the setting sun, lights up the green mountain. The lichen shines bright in the rays and I am content. Blue skies with scattered clouds. I feel like a character from Elf Quest, set in the Land Before Time infused with Avatar enthusiasm.

Wasabi peas are The Shit!

A conglomeration

A parody

A hypocrity

            of plant life and wild life converge in this desert

Next to running streams gather Saguaro, and Cottonwood trees

alike

A melting pot of dynamics

            play off each other like people in a big city

Everything goes out here –

spikes, thorns, spines, moss,

soft, wet, hard, lush, smooth,

round, sharp, angular

We all gather under this full

moon to dance the dance of the Earth

Bowing our heads and lifting our

            arms, we rejoice in this playfulness

God surly is smiling to see us

coexisting 

Laughing even at our hurried ways

Let’s play today

            and think tomorrow

Let’s breathe right now

            and sigh another day

As the sun sinks low behind the

hill, let’s remember those that

came before, and the ones that

will come after

Linger on that golden ray of sun

and let it light a spark

in your deepest of hearts

Whisper your prayer into the

            listening ear of the land

Find a rock, a tree, a cactus

            it will listen, if you listen

To your heart you must be true

Wonder and amazement never

cease unless you

cease

So keep on my friends – let’s

            laugh for that is the

best remedy! 

Day 14 Thursday January 28 Layover Day at Boulder Canyon

Wilderness.  Wild

Wild like New York City. La. Tokyo. Paris. San Paulo. Mumbai.

Wilderness. Wild.

Wild like the rough rocks of the Grand Canyon. The Peaks of the Himalayas. The Pacific Ocean. The Outback of Australia.

Wilderness. Wild.

Thoughts in my head run like mustangs through synapses and circuits.

…

Surrounded by beauty in its natural form and fart jokes in their crudest of terms – I am faced with the ultimate question – What am I doing here?

Buddha became enlightened beneath a tree, next to a river.

I wonder if I could so the same under a cactus beside a creek…?

…

Tik Tik-tik Tik Tik Tik-tik-tik

Rain again, yet this time softer,

warmer, a little more friendly

Green eyes stare at me from

under the midd

Green eyes of the budding grass and

            seedlings sprouting from all the moisture

One drop at a time lingers on the

            edge of the nylon

Slipping off, it falls and seeps into

            the ground, soaked

Laughter comes from the kitchen area

            low voices from the tent behind

            soft breathing and the occasional

            page turning from the sleeping bag

            next to me

What a glorious life we live

Each mind for itself

Each heart open wide

Every soul as one

Join hands and raise your

            heads –

Let’s howl at the moon

            in raucous, joyous wonder

…

PM After dinner…

Mac and cheese, around the fire after the desert rain storm. Earlier I got the hair-brained idea to go for a swim and persuaded Jane to come with me. We both stripped and waded, naked, into the frigid water. Splashing my face and back, dunking my hair I finally submerged myself. Nose plugged, eyes squeezed shut, breath held, I let the water wash over me.

Screaming with delight and gasping for air I waded to the surface and hopped to the rock. Giggling we stood there, not shivering. The air felt warm and almost balmy. I said, “I’m going in again, once more for good measure – round two ­­– this one’s for my dad!” Holding my breath, I dunked.

Getting out and drying off – just then it started to drizzle and then pour! What an experience! My hair feels like hair and I feel like a whole new woman!

Day 13 Wednesday January 27 2010 First Night in the Superstition Mountains

Three-mile hike to Boulder Canyon beneath Battleship Mountain.

The Desert speaks a different language than the Canyon.

Softer, subtler, yet more familiar.

Sun, cactus, spines everywhere, scattered thunderstorms and green, green, green rocks through streams, over creeks, mud, and bamboo.

Now, we sit around purple flames discussing the Wilderness.

“The greatest beauty

is organic wholeness,

the wholeness of life and things,

the divine beauty of the universe.

Love that, not man apart from that…”

–      Robin Jeffers

Day 12 January 26 Tuesday Re-supply Base Camp

Today, hot and dry. At Don's Camp with the three other groups. God it feels good to be warm! 

Yesterday we climbed Mount Everest – not really, but that what is feels like… still. Jakob and Alwyne once again proved their worth as the world’s best leaders. Tunneling through waist deep snow that topped six feet in some places – I felt useless! Freezing my ass off as they got us through – All I could do was keep myself warm, and keep my mouth shut. They were the heroes in my mind. I was merely holding space for them to get us UP and OUT. There was no doubt in my mind that they would deliver us safely from that snowy precipice. We would ascend that day, one way or another. I guess trusting counts for something…

Now, back in the desert, Saguaro cactus line the horizon and the sun beats down upon my bare shoulders – I wonder, was that real? The second largest storm to hit Arizona since 1969, and we were IN IT! “It feels great to feel alive!” Shouts Alwyne as she plows through yet another bank of snow. Yes indeed, it feels great to feel alive! 

Day 8 January 22 Friday Hance Rapids

Hiking the Escalante Route.

Tomorrow we’ll be on the Tonto East Trail. Heading West. 

Tonight, camped at the base of Red Canyon.

Being outside, especially for an extended amount of time, breaks me down, then builds me backup again. Today, one week into this thing, and I feel stronger – my muscles more toned, my feet more sturdy. And yet, part of me is softer. My heart, my soul, my being is more relaxed, more settled, more content. Even if I feel a little cold, and wet, and rainy, I am slowly coming back to me. Like my good friend Lisa put it, “Everyday, I am feeling more alive.”

Being present in the moment. Hearing the roar of the rapids on the river, fills my head, sinks into my skin, and takes root. Even the dull, steady sprinkling of rain is apart of me – THIS IS ME. I am the Earth, the Earth is I, we are one in the same. It is I. I am all around. Being whittled down to nothing only to be planted, watered, and grown again, with sun and nourishment from this Holy Canyon Country. I am loosing sense of time. The days defined only by our rituals of morning meals, daily hikes, and evening nesting. I am loosing sense of time, but not of space. I am loosing sense of time, but not of me. Slowly surrendering to being totally and completely part of the group. Slowly melding, meshing, and melting, we become one. One song, one breath, one heart beat. We walk as one. We discover as one, through eight pairs of eyes – We see differently, think differently and will be blown in different directions by the natural force of the wind – but we are all seeds. Seeds from this great tree of life, with different paths, different currents, we may drift to all corners of the Earth, ready to sprout anew, and grow our own tree of life.

Day 7 Rain with an overhang (Thursday)

Passed the other group today.

We were up high, they were down low.

No words exchange, no hugs to be gained.

Waving hands and arms were all that were received.

Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain.

All day long – Rain.

Hiked over and around the side of the canyon. Down through waterfalls, stepping over streams – wet rocks shone like tiny rainbows in the ground.

White. Orange. Purple. Grey. Blue. Yellow. Black.

Snuggle up in my sleeping bag – finally, a little bit more dry.  

Day 6 January 20 Crypto Soil Camp Spot (Wednesday)

No place to poo!

Crypto-biotic soil everywhere! 

Saw the shadow of the moon, heard fish jump in the water. 

Tuesday Day 5 January 19 Saw River Rafters Today (Bad-Ass Camp Spot)

I am thankful for the sun.

The water. Laughter. Good Conversation. Intrigue. Surrounded by beauty. Real Life confronts us in the face. Talk of Living while touching our feelings – a parody on life. Shelter, food, clothing – the norms of living in society. We like to play in nature, so we’re here, trekking through this great canyon, leaving our footprints and our breath and nothing else. Taking heart-pictures we survive as a clan. Naked in our approach, clothed as we came. How can we get back to our childish play? Innocence, laughter, whimsical banter, smiles, and cheer, taste for the unexpected.

Day 4 Monday January 18 Layover day at Camp-Pit-Toilet

Rain. Clouds hang low over the canyon walls and the river rushes on. Rain. Wet. Damp. Nothing dries. I send a prayer that tomorrow there is no rain. Please, please Mother Earth, please shed some light on your children. Rest day today. Polenta for breakfast, hummus and bagels for lunch with almonds… I’m hungry for dinner and tired of rain.

So much clutters my thoughts. This is me, yes even the rain. It is cleansing and wet. Rain. I am thankful for this mid – keeping our shit dry. I am thankful for the company, for we are all in this together. I am thankful for no more snow. Embrace the rain little sun baby, and sing praises to The Mother for this blessing of water in the desert. Do not despair, for this too shall pass.

That life of glamour, and glitter, wealth, fame and fortune. Being here, in this Grand Canyon, with these beautiful people feeds my soul. But what about the starving children in Africa, India, China, even here in the US? What IS IT for them? Am I just privelaged that I should lead such a life? Is Nature able to heal a broken home, a cancerous society, an unborn child, a malnourished family? Am I such an idealist that I get a chance to see such a beautiful place? What about the children in the inner-city? What about the patients in the hospital? How can Nature heal them?

As I curl up in my sleeping bag, resisting the urge to pee and avoiding the rain outside, I hide in my head – No, I express only here, on paper, what struggles arise for me. My hand is cramping and a plane hums overhead – what will I do to make great changes, to DO great things?

Later that afternoon… 

I like the feeling of carrying a pack on my back – it makes me feel like I can do anything. It makes me feel expansive! It makes me proud to be in this body, with these legs and feet, that will again, tomorrow, have to walk along the river bank, in search of the next exquisite site to set down roots and grow overnight into a bud, a bush, a flower, a tendril of dew drenched thorns. I am one, I am all, I am the rain, wet and supple, I am the rock, hard and solid, I am the sand, soft and giving, I am the trees drinking in the lushness of it all. Thank you feet, and legs and back and shoulders and neck, for carrying me safely to this oasis of soul-food.

Day 3 Sunday January 17 Yoga, long walk/short walk

Down in the canyon, by the water, with sand under my feet. A crescent moon and one star reflect the light of the sun that blessed us today as we descended the steep, rocky surface – down the rainbow staircase of white, red, and green. I dip my hands into the Colorado River, washed my face, running that cleansing, healing water into my bones. If rainbows had an end to that colorful arc, this would be the place. With a myriad of tie-dyed rocks, and kaleidoscope colors, this is that pot of gold. I am thankful for the small uphills after the toe-crushing downhills of the last two days.

Saturday Day 2 January 16 Camp on the Ridge

Snow. Two miles down, a tango lesson taught by moi, peanut tofu and rice with veggies and (much needed) chocolate for dessert. Camping on the ridge with a full, 360 view of the canyon. Blown open with emotion. Humbled by the terrain, kissing the feet of nature, I weep hot tears of joy and gratitude.

Friday January 15 Day 1 On the Rim

Finally, finally, finally! Two hours to the Grand Canyon, one pee break, one detour for gas, and one Alan hamburger later (of course it was only 8:52 in the morning), we arrive. I am antsy and ready to get moving! But before we descend, we must see for our selves…

We are led, eyes closed, senses alert, inching forward to what anticipation could not touch.

“Breath deep,” came Jakob’s voice, “listen to your heart, feel with your skin, breath in, breath out, now, open your eyes.”

My eyes slowly opened. I thought I knew what to expect, but what met my gaze brought unexpected tears to my eyes. How could I possibly be touched this deep? The magic it held this time, was not ego driven – it was real, is real, It is right here, right now, those everyday miracles.

Last week was an excerpt from a daily journal I kept while in the wilderness for three weeks. I decided to start at the beginning, so enjoy this piece, and stay tuned for more updates on the past month!

Listen with our eyes. See with our ears. 1/12/10

Listen with your eyes. See with your ears.

A place that seemed so familiar, is suddenly seen anew

Through eyes of wondering beings.

Through fresh eyes and new joys.

Their enthusiasm makes my awe THAT much greater

I take to heart their joy.

I look out over this town I thought I knew so well.

I open my arms and embrace the beauty – both new and old.

Then I shut my eyes.

I see with my ears.

The call of a bird, the wind through the trees, my own breath and my belly rumbles.

I stand, basking in the light of the sun and new discoveries.

There, on the rock beside me, clings a cluster of ladybugs.

Their tiny legs move, so I know they are live –

A pile of one, two, three, soak in the sunlight.

What are they doing up so high on this mountain, in the middle of winter?

Where have they come from, where are they going?

I’d like to know.

I deem myself observer.

I lift my head – my eyes take me a hundred miles away to the San Francisco Peaks,

But my senses keep me here, and present, with the smell of smoldering logs that fills my nose, and the cool breeze that kisses my neck, and the warm sunshine that hugs my back.

There’s nothing like being up high –

The expansiveness one feels.

I am humbled by the sea of green trees, turning into blue mountains,

Stretching out farther to reach the golden meadows of the flat places between.

The vastness never ends, the details ever-present, if you look closely you will see

Four, five six ladybugs… 

This Evening

 “Shut up.” I mumbled to the dog across the street.

As it’s incessant barking grated on my nerves.
Irritated, I stacked my jacket, yoga mat, water bottle, sneakers, book, purse, and keys –

Precariously balancing them between my two arms, and chin.

Just then I saw a figure moving toward me.

It tipped his hat and said, “Good evening.”

Speechless I stared at the elderly man and his dog.

Heart beating, but not terrified, I quickly blurted out, “Evening!” and turned away.

As I reached my front door, a smile crossed my lips, and I silently thanked the old man for making my day.

The beauty, The love, Mon amour

The beauty, the love, mon amour
J’adore the light, the sun, the radiant rays
The red, the yellow, the orange
Colors blending into the dark night
Nouvelle chance. Que désirez-vous?
Donnez le moi, the mystery, the wonder…
Voici! Voici! Mon cheri.
Qu’est-ce que c’est?
that brings us here
A minute in time n’est-ce pas?
Comment vous appelez-vous?
Que désirez-vous?
Je m’appelle Le Wind.
I desire life. Sans doute.
En haut, en bus, est-ce quelque chose, est-ce rien. Dîtes-moi, dîtes-moi!
Up, down, is it something, is it nothing. Tell me, tell me!
Apportez-moi your thoughts, vous hopes et fears.
There you are, voilà, voilà!
The color rouge
The moment of passion
C’est possible to be this lovely?
Je vais l’regard, tu vas searching.
Qui? Pourquoi? Où?
Questions arise, answers fallow.
Bonjour, bonsoir, bonne nuit
Thoughts of you never fade
C’est mon amour
It is my love
Il n’y a pas, there isn’t any more.
A cause de désirez, there is nothing but you.
How many lives will I spend with my heart set on vous?
With my soul wrapped up in you?
Voici mon ami, voici mon chance.
Merci beaucoup, por vous.

Écrit avec mon best girl, Kumari, while sipping café crème and smoking cigarettes on the first of January in the year 2010.