2009 - 2010

How do I even begin to describe this past year? For fear of falling flat, let me keep it simple. Thinking back on this past year, quite frankly makes me sort of depressed. I really hate re-hashing stuff until it turns into mush, I’d rather go read a book.

So, without further a-do, I will not bore myself (or you) with the retelling of my less-than-lyrical life, and will only share with you a short synopsis of what I have learned this past year, that may or may not inspire you.

As the calendar year draws to a close, and the transitions between nights and days get shorter, then longer again, and the sun just isn’t as warm as it was, I reflect on Matters Of Importance.

Top 10 things I learned this year about life, sweaters, and policemen:

10. RELAX! (No one looks pretty when they’re stressed)

9. I’m learning to do things for ME, because I want/need them, not because anybody said they were good or bad for me. (Not in a selfish way, just in an I’m-going-to-do-this-for-me-not-you way).

8. No matter what anybody tells you, crying will not get you out of a speeding ticket. (It didn’t get me out of one, it didn’t get me out of two…)

7. Surrender! (Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do, so stop pushing!)

6. It’s okay to make mistakes. (I like being right, but sometimes I’m wrong…)

5. Growing up is about taking responsibility for your own decisions. (You can’t blame your life on anybody else… Well, you can, but…)

4. Turtlenecks are bad. (I don’t care if you look damn good in a turtleneck – I loath them!)

3. Saying “No” is something of an art form. (It takes skill, craft, diligence, and courage)

2. Let the past be in the past. (You look pretty funny dragging that heavy load of skeletons around with you)

1. Trust your instincts. (There’s simply no other way)

That being said, I could pile on a whole lot more of things I’ve learned, and am still trying to learning, like that parents will be parents and you can’t change them. Or I could share with you, my newfound love for Bollywood movies. But let me sum up with this: I prefer spinach salad over French fries (call me a freak, I don’t care). I’m a sucker for a man that knows how to dance (especially if they’re wearing a scarf, the right way…), and I now know why people detest law enforcement officers, (“Officer, would you please allow me to explain myself…?” “License and registration.”)

As someone wrote earlier, it’s a New Year – time for new ideas, new aspirations, and new beginnings. This is a time to tell your minds that the slate is clear. Now go, tell someone you love them, do it quick, do it NOW!

I love you.

I love you. 

I love you.

on speaking from the heart

“Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It's the one and only thing you have to offer.”
–Barbara Kingsolver

I wish I had thought of this first,
but that’s really just my jealous nature speaking
These words speak so true for me
She says what I already innately know, but somehow haven’t figured out yet
I am constantly struggling with saying the right thing
Most of the time, if I don’t have anything useful to say, I won’t say anything at all,
but sometimes I get carried away and don’t think about what I’m saying before I open my mouth
and then it is too late,
and then I am in trouble
Sometimes I think that people expect me to say something great
so the pressure is on,
and my heart is racing,
and I open my mouth,
but nothing escapes my lips ‘cept for an indecipherable guttural gurgle
I’m young and angsty and sometimes I just say things to be sassy or argumentative
I can become over-zealous and righteous for no good reason,
on topics that have little importance to me,
or anyone else for that matter
But mostly I like to talk of real things,
topics of meaning,
things that will draw a connections between listener and speaker
Sometimes I say things just to prove a point,
whether or not they really have any relevance to the situation at hand,
or hold any weight at all
Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and I can’t make heads or tails of my over-active, incessant mind chatter
I can easily loose myself in imagination, falling down the rabbit hole
I’m not very good at strategizing and I HATE planning ahead
For the most part I am optimistic
I can’t stand superfluous conversations,
so mostly I tend to smile and nod when I can’t be bothered

To figure out what I have to say –
It doesn’t have to be profound,
ground-breaking,
or earth shattering
It simply has to come from the heart

I simply cannot help it!

Spontaneous dancing in the street
Cartwheels through the intersection
Feet tappin’ in the gutter

I simply cannot help myself
Hands raised high,
Waving at the clouds

Dancin’ top the pavement
Weaving through the trash cans as they set the stage
I just cannot be still

My lungs fill with air
Expanding and contracting with that winter flavor
Breathing in the aroma of each house as I pass it by

Roast beef
Laundry detergent
Motor oil

They too become part of my dance
Skipping through the gravel,
Hopping on the curb,

Twirling with my eyes wide shut
Heart lifted,
Head thrown back,

It’s a one of a kind jamboree
For the likes of me
And what does your dance look like

Love in all it's Forms

I’m afraid of not being loved
By my mom, because my father and then my older sister came first
By my sister, because she found the love of her life
By my best friend, because she found her one and only
By my surrogate sister, because she’s in love with a boy
By anyone who I come in contact with
What if they don’t love me forever
What if they can’t love me enough

I refuse to give my heart away
Instead
I use them to stoke my ego, then leave them before they can tear my heart strings
Constantly one step ahead
Trying to avoid heartbreak before I even get to know who they really are
Because we all know what happens when we give ourselves away –
We loose ourselves entirely
When we break, even if we are put back together, we will never be the same

Perhaps, I can re-frame –
To give to myself to someone else, means
I can take time to discover those areas which are uncovered
Handing over my heart, I can see more clearly the space in which it rests
Making room for more love to open and unfold
I know that I am loved, but sometimes I forget
I’m afraid of not being loved to the extent in which I love
I am afraid of not being loved
Aren’t we all?


Note: This is just poetry, I know that I am loved, by many, many individuals. But sometimes I forget, because love shows up in different ways, from different people.

In Celebration - We Cook

I fried Panir for two and a half hours today
My face is washed, but the smell of grease still lingers in my hair
The smell of garlic on my fingertips
Cumin hangs on my breath
Naan
Saag
Date Chutney
Tomato Chilly
Pistachios
Lentil Curry
Coconut
Rice Pudding
Jelebees for Dessert
Raise your hands and sing, “Om Shanty Om!”
Spices fill my soul
Music dances across my hips
Ghee paints the stove
Oozing from my pores
Butter in abundance
The scent of food still suspended in the kitchen
Sweet Tulsi tea, we sip until midnight
As we move from sitting, to standing, to lying fully down
Drinking in the night air
The face of the full moon, watches as we glide into bed
Giddy with pleasure and too much stimulation